Supporting your partner this Father’s Day (Australia & New Zealand)

With Father’s Day today (7 September) in Australia and New Zealand, it can be a time of grief for many with infertility. Here are some ways you can support your partner this Father’s Day. 

“I’m just off to choose the new carpet”. An innocent enough comment. Only, an hour earlier, we had endured yet another devastating pregnancy loss. It was our third miscarriage. And this one was with our surrogate. While I stayed curled up in bed, paralysed by grief, my husband was off to choose carpet samples. Did this mean he didn’t care about the miscarriage?

No. Was he devastated by yet another pregnancy loss? Of course he was. Did he have that awful sinking feeling that we may never be parents? Especially knowing surrogacy was our final attempt at having a child. Yes. But for him, distraction helped. Whether it was diving into work or in this case, choosing carpet for our newly renovated home, this was his way of coping. 

With Father’s Day today in Australia, I recently reflected on our IVF and surrogacy journey

We grieved differently. I think like Ryan, men can sometimes hide their grief. But this doesn’t mean it hurts any less. I also think many men try to fix it. Ryan never sat in his grief for too long, he always looked to the next step, at how he could ‘solve’ our “infertility issue”. And many men try to stay strong for their partner. Ryan did this countless times. Whether it was a failed IVF transfer, a cancelled IVF cycle, or a miscarriage, while I broke down, he stayed strong.

He was my rock. But who was his rock? Throughout our 6-year infertility journey, he only cried a handful of times. He only fell to pieces twice. And besides his Mum and sister, and much later on a couple of close friends, he never told anyone. He didn’t share our IVF journey, our losses, the complete and utter devastation. He kept it secret. 

There’s also the added complexity of male infertility

For us, our infertility was due to my thin endometrium lining. Our IVF transfers were often cancelled because my lining didn’t meet the minimum requirement to do an IVF transfer. With the ones that went ahead, the lining was still painfully thin, so we had negative IVF transfers (even with PGS embryos) or pregnancy losses. For some couples though, male infertility is the reason. And sadly, there’s a stigma with male infertility. It’s not uncommon for men to feel ashamed or emasculated. And while many people still assume infertility is a female issue, forty per cent of infertility is attributed to males. Fifty per cent is female infertility. And the remaining ten per cent is a mix of male and female. Despite these high numbers, not enough men talk about it. 

How to support your partner

• Don’t assume they’re not grieving, even if they don’t show it. Share the grief, ask them how they are feeling, validate their feelings, listen, and provide comfort.

•  Recommend they talk to someone. Ryan met with a counsellor twice and while it wasn’t many sessions, it really helped. 

•  Encourage self-care. Men need it as well. What are some things they love doing? A self-care kick can be so beneficial.  

•  Lean on each other but don’t always go to your partner every time you need support. Have a trusted circle of friends, family, even a counsellor who can support you. 

•  Invest in some helpful resources. The IVF Dad (by Keegan Prue) is a helpful book. As Keegan says, “The IVF Dad is for anyone, whether you’re a man who wants to better understand infertility treatment; a woman who wants to help her partner be better informed and more supportive; or a couple who wants tips on how to survive infertility”.

Our surrogacy miscarriage: A personal reflection

“I’m so sorry, but we’ve lost the baby”. It was the most gut wrenching and devastating text message I had ever read. It was our third pregnancy loss but this one was different. Because this loss was with our surrogate. 

The author Zoe Clark-Coates once wrote, “When the pain radiates through your soul and your heart carries so much grief you wonder how it continues to beat, you know the loss has changed you forever.” It’s been seven years and yet, the pain, the grief still lingers. Anyone who’s experienced pregnancy loss knows it’s a feeling that never quite leaves you. 

A surrogacy miscarriage 

We had the added complexity of a surrogacy miscarriage. Yes, it was our baby, but I wasn’t the one who was pregnant. I wasn’t the one who had had morning sickness a week earlier. The one who had the probe over her pregnant belly, for what felt like an eternity, as the nurse desperately tried to find a heartbeat. And the one who had to endure a D&C. Our Obstetrician later told me how our surrogate Leigha was the only person he’s ever known to be crying so hard while the general anaesthesia was taking effect. He had tightly held her hand and right up to the second before she fell asleep, she was sobbing. 

International surrogacy

Of course, we wanted to grieve together, in person. But this is the challenge with international surrogacy. We were on opposite ends of the world. With us in Australia and Leigha in the USA, the best we could do was a Skype call. We didn’t speak until the next day though. Leigha had never experienced a pregnancy loss so the pain for her was palpable. She was devastated. And on top of that, she felt a suffocating guilt. Before we spoke, her husband Josh told us she was too scared to talk to us. She felt like she had let us down. 

A miscarriage is not your fault 

Anyone who has experienced pregnancy loss knows it’s no one’s fault. It’s nothing you did or didn’t do. After the actor James Van der Beek (Dawson’s Creek) and his wife experienced multiple miscarriages, he wrote, “First off—we need a new word for it. ‘Miscarriage’, in an insidious way, suggests fault of the mother—as if she dropped something, or failed to ‘carry’. From what I’ve learned, in all but the most obvious, extreme cases, it has nothing to do with anything the mother did or didn’t do. So, let’s wipe all blame off the table before we even start”. Spot on. 

A pregnancy loss is devastating 

The morning after our miscarriage, we Skyped with Leighaand Josh. Riddled with guilt, Josh had to convince her to speak to us. Leigha was distraught. She couldn’t stop crying. Neither could I. The first thing we got out of the way was that we didn’t blame her. For twenty-four hours, she had been carrying that guilt around. I can only imagine what a heavy burden that would have been. Our miscarriage also made me realise the significant commitment Leigha, and her family, were making for us. 

Your IVF clinic team is vital 

I was incredibly grateful for our IVF clinic ‘The Utah Fertility Center’ and especially our nurse Tonya. It’s during a time like this that IVF clinics truly show you who they are. And our IVF clinic didn’t disappoint. Tonya worked tirelessly with Josh to organise everything with the D&C and to make sure Leigha was well supported. She also spoke to me several times that day. At one point, I spoke to her for an hour before realising it was 10 pm USA time. This wasn’t a job to her; you could tell she greatly empathised. She also organised an appointment with our fertility doctor, Dr Russell Foulk, for later that week.

Having the next step in place can help you move forward 

Organising appointments was always one of the very few things I felt was in our control. When we talked to Dr Foulk, we learned that what had caused the miscarriage was a subchorionic haematoma; a blood clot that is formed by the abnormal collection of blood between the placenta and the wall of the uterus. It’s really frustrating though as it can’t be prevented or treated. Many women who develop subchorionic haematomas enjoy normal and healthy pregnancies. But occasionally, it can grow and can cause miscarriage, preterm labour, or placental abruptions. In our case, the haematoma had grown, and it had cut off supply from the placenta to our baby. 

Our miracle baby

We had one last IVF transfer in our surrogacy contract. Usually with a surrogacy contract, you commit to three IVF transfers. Leigha could have walked away at this point, no one would have blamed her. But she was determined to help us have a family. And as we had fallen pregnant before, we were all cautiously optimistic. We transferred our last embryo and nine months later, our beautiful son Spencer was born.   

Surrogacy for us was a beautiful and life changing experience. It is a huge commitment though. For anyone considering surrogacy, I think it’s important to know pregnancy loss is a possibility. To be mentally prepared, as much as you can be, if it happens. The miscarriage rate with surrogacy is low though, which is reassuring. For anyone on the surrogacy journey, or considering it, I wish you all the best. 

You can also reach out to me anytime on Instagram @straight.up.infertility if you have any questions about my IVF and surrogacy journey. 

*as featured in IVF babble

Help! Not Another Baby Shower!

*As featured in IVF Babble

During my IVF and surrogacy journey, I dreaded baby showers. I was happy for my friends, and I wanted to celebrate with them. I really did. Afterall, a baby shower is meant to be a joyous occasion. But being surrounded by excited squeals and endless reminders of the one thing I desperately wanted, and was fighting so hard for, was excruciating. 

And it’s not just baby showers!

Gender reveal parties have become hugely popular. With many people throwing lavish parties. In Arizona in 2018, one enthusiastic Dad caused a wildfire. He shot a makeshift target that had the words ‘Boy’ and ‘Girl’ written on it. The target exploded and revealed a blue cloud. A truly magnificent Instagram moment. Except then the flames spread. The fire burned 47,000 acres and caused more than $US8 million. 

While most people aren’t so extravagant (or cause such havoc!), most do throw a party, with a gender reveal cake or balloons. And they make sure it’s plastered all over social media. So whether you’re scrolling your Instagram feed or checking Tik Tok or Facebook, you’ll definitely see it. And the tonnes of congratulations comments that go along with it. 

I know for me, during our IVF and surrogacy journey, there were many times I struggled with these celebrations. 

And if I’d recently had a cancelled or failed IVF transfer, it felt unbearable. I remember a week before one friend’s baby shower, we lost our baby. I was consumed with grief. I couldn’t go. When I spoke to my friend about our pregnancy loss, she understood. In her words, “Why on earth would you put yourself through that?!”

When I didn’t attend a baby shower or gender reveal party, I often felt guilty and selfish. Why couldn’t I put my feelings aside and be happy for them? Why did I cry before and after? Why did I often feel the sharp sting of jealously?

But from talking to other women with infertility, I knew I wasn’t alone. It’s common to get upset, and often jealous, about baby showers and gender reveals. In fact, I’m yet to meet someone doing fertility treatment who hasn’t felt upset. So if your infertility journey makes it hard for you to attend these events, you are not alone.

Here’s some things that helped me navigate these celebrations

1. Know that your feelings are valid

Infertility is hard. You’re going through something incredibly difficult, emotional, and all-consuming. It’s OK to feel jealous, angry, and upset. You can also feel happy for your friend and jealous at the same time – both feelings are valid and can co-exist. 

2. Know that it’s OK not to go

If you are not close to the person, I doubt they will miss youbeing there. They’ll have plenty of other people there to celebrate with them. And if you are close to them, as a good friend, they should understand. Above all else, you need to put your own mental health first. 

3. Talk to your friend

If you decide not to go, talk to your friend – or send a text message if you are not very close to them – about why you’re not coming. Most people will understand. Most will empathise. And you can always give them a gift beforehand or send a gift with someone else who’s going. 

4. If you decide to go, have a plan

Is there a friend attending who knows what you are going through? Stay close to them. Have them there as your support person. 

If you need to, have a good cry before and after. Let it all out. 

Plan some self-care, preferably the next day. Whether that’s getting a massage, going for a long walk, binging a TV show – do whatever helps you to heal and feel good. Drive. This way, you can leave at any time without getting stuck there.

Give yourself a job. Sometimes being trapped in the kitchen making cups of tea or passing food around can be a life saver. A job can keep you distracted and can help the time go by faster. 

Infertility is hard. It’s all consuming. It’s unfair.

If you are feeling upset or jealous about baby showers and gender reveals, know that it is OK. Your feelings are valid. Be kind to yourself and put yourself first because that’s what you need to do during such a difficult time.