Our surrogacy miscarriage

“I’m so sorry, but we’ve lost the baby”.

It was the most gut wrenching and devastating text message I had ever read. It was our third pregnancy loss, but this one was different. Because this loss was with our surrogate.

The author Zoe Clark-Coates once wrote, “When the pain radiates through your soul and your heart carries so much grief you wonder how it continues to beat, you know the loss has changed you forever.” Seven years on, the pain and grief linger. Anyone who has experienced pregnancy loss knows it’s a feeling that never fully leaves you.   

A surrogacy miscarriage

We had the added complexity of a surrogacy miscarriage. Yes, it was our baby, but I wasn’t the one who was pregnant. I wasn’t the one lying there with a probe over my belly while a nurse desperately searched for a heartbeat. And I wasn’t the one who had to endure a D&C.

Our obstetrician later told me how our surrogate, Leigha, was the only person he’s ever seen cry so hard as the general anaesthesia took effect. He held her hand tightly, and right up until the moment she fell asleep, she was sobbing.

International surrogacy

Of course, we wanted to grieve together, in person. But that’s one of the challenges of international surrogacy. We were on opposite sides of the world – us in Australia, Leigha in the USA. The best we could do was Skype.

We didn’t speak until the next day. Leigha had never experienced a pregnancy loss before, and she was devastated. Before we spoke, her husband Josh told us she was too scared to talk to us. She felt like she had let us down.

A miscarriage is not your fault   

Anyone who has experienced pregnancy loss knows it’s no one’s fault. It’s nothing you did or didn’t do.

A pregnancy loss is devastating

The morning after our miscarriage, we Skyped with Leigha and Josh. Leigha was distraught. She couldn’t stop crying – and neither could I. The first thing we made clear was that we didn’t blame her. She had carried that guilt for twenty-four hours, and I can only imagine how heavy that must have felt. The moment also made me realise the enormous commitment Leigha and her family were making for us.

Your IVF clinic team matters  

I was incredibly grateful for our IVF clinic, The Utah Fertility Center, and especially our nurse, Tonya. It’s during times like this that IVF clinics show you who they truly are.

Tonya worked tirelessly with Josh to organise everything for the D&C and to make sure Leigha was supported. She also spoke to me several times that day. At one point, I realised we had been talking for an hour – and it was 10 pm her time. This wasn’t a job to her; she genuinely cared. She also arranged an appointment with our fertility doctor, Dr Russell Foulk, for later that week.

Having the next step helps you move forward

Organising appointments was one of the few things that felt within my control. When we spoke to Dr Foulk, we learned that the miscarriage was caused by a subchorionic haematoma – a blood clot formed by an abnormal collection of blood between the placenta and the uterine wall.

It’s incredibly frustrating because it can’t be prevented or treated. Many women with subchorionic haematomas go on to have healthy pregnancies. But occasionally, the clot grows and can cause miscarriage, preterm labour, or placental abruptions. In our case, the haematoma grew and cut off the placenta’s supply to our baby.

Our miracle baby

We had one last IVF transfer in our surrogacy contract. Typically, a surrogacy contract includes three transfers. Leigha could have walked away at that point – but she was determined to help us have a family.

We were cautiously optimistic. We transferred our last embryo, and nine months later, our beautiful son Spencer was born.  

Looking After Yourself at Christmas When Trying to Conceive

I was wandering through a shopping centre 4 weeks ago when I heard it: “We wish you a Merry Christmas.”Not even December yet—and the Christmas music was already blasting.

Because Christmas is never just a week or two. It’s months of build-up. Decorations, parties, school concerts, shopping… an explosion of festive everything at every corner.

For many, Christmas is joyful—warm, cosy, full of togetherness. But if you’re facing infertility at Christmas, it can feel like a minefield of triggers and expectations. It can be a relentless reminder of the one thing you want—desperately—and don’t have yet. And then there’s that question people ask far too casually: “So… when are you having kids?”

Why infertility feels harder during the holidays

If you’re TTC (trying to conceive), going through IVF, or living with pregnancy loss, the holidays can turn up the volume on everything you’re already carrying.

I remember during our own fertility journey wanting to hide under the blankets and fast-forward to January 1.

Christmas can also come with practical heartbreak—like fertility clinics closing over the holidays, meaning missed windows, delayed transfers, and extra weeks of waiting that feel endless. I remember one year hoping my period would arrive by early December to allow a transfer… it came two days too late. Then everything shut, and we had to wait until mid-January. Agonising.

And if you’ve experienced miscarriage or pregnancy loss, Christmas can hurt in a different way again—especially if your loss happened around the holidays, or your baby was due around this season. That grief can feel sharp and lonely, even in a room full of people.

Navigating infertility during Christmas and New Year

If you’re struggling with infertility during the holidays, here are supportive, practical ways to protect your heart and your mental health.

1) Skip (or limit) celebrations

If you can, skip the office party or the extended family gathering this year—or simply limit how many events you attend. You don’t owe anyone your presence at the cost of your peace.

2) Limit social media

Father Christmas photos. Matching PJs. Elf on the shelf. Bump updates. Family “perfect” reels.If social media feels like a constant stream of reminders of what you want so badly, it’s okay to mute, unfollow, or take a break—just for now.

3) Shop online if you can

Christmas can be intensely commercial, and shops are designed to pull you into festive noise and pressure. If it helps, protect your peace—shop online and avoid crowded triggers.

4) Talk to a professional

Whether you’re in fertility treatment, considering next steps, or grieving a loss, speaking with a therapist, counsellor, or fertility coach can help you process the emotions that can surge at this time of year.

5) Lean on the TTC community

You don’t have to do this in silence. The TTC community can be a lifeline—whether through IVFbabble, support groups, or people you trust online who “get it” without you having to explain.

6) Prepare for unsolicited advice (and intrusive questions)

There’s often one nosey relative or colleague who can’t help themselves. Having a few gentle scripts ready can protect you:

• “We’re keeping that private for now, but thank you for understanding.”

• “We’re on a medical journey—when there’s news to share, we will.”

• “Infertility is a medical condition. ‘Relaxing’ isn’t a cure.”

Then change the subject. You’re allowed to set boundaries.

7) Build a small self-care menu

Self-care doesn’t have to be perfect. Think tiny and doable: a long walk, a favourite TV show, a comforting meal, an early night, a book, a bath, a coffee with someone safe, just having ‘time out’ with your partner celebrating Christmas. Choose whatever nourishes you.

8) Let your feelings be valid

Infertility is painful. It’s consuming. And at Christmas it can feel amplified. Anger, sadness, jealousy, numbness, frustration—whatever you’re feeling is human. You don’t need to “positive mindset” your way out of grief.

*as featured in IVF babble

Infertility at Christmas: The 12 Days of Christmas survival guide

*As featured in IVF babble.

The holiday season is often a time of joy and celebration. It’s filled with laughter around the dinner table and the magic of children opening presents from Santa on Christmas morning. But for those with infertility, Christmas can feel like a magnifying glass on what’s missing. It can be a painful reminder of the one thing you desperately want and would do anything to have.

As we know, infertility is often an invisible grief and it’s suffered in silence. While some share pregnancy announcements in Christmas cards or head to the shops for Santa photos with their little ones, those facing infertility often feel isolated in their pain.

If you’re facing infertility this Christmas, here’s 12 gentle suggestions to help you through this difficult period:

Day 1

Remember you are not alone. Infertility is a medical condition, a reproductive disease. Millions of people worldwide suffer from infertility. You are not alone.

Day 2

Reconnect with your partner. Infertility is all consuming, and often stressful, so it’s no surprise that it can sometimes put a strain on your relationship. Try to make the most of the holiday season by enjoying some quality time with your partner.

Day 3

Prioritise self-care. Do things you love doing and that nourish you. Whether it’s having a massage, going for a long walk, catching up with friends for dinner…do whatever it is that makes you feel good.

Day 4

Connect with the #TTC community. Whether through Instagram, Facebook or here at IVF babble, there’s an active and thriving online infertility community. Find those people and lean on them during this time.

Day 5

Make a plan for 2026. For some, being proactive and having a plan in place can give you hope. Whether it’s booking your next appointment with your fertility specialist or trying something new like fertility acupuncture, a plan can give you peace of mind.

Day 6

Acknowledge your feelings. Infertility is hard. It’s all consuming. It’s often painful. You may feel a million different emotions like grief, jealously, sadness, or anger. Often all at once! During Christmas, these emotions can feel stronger. But all your feelings are valid and it’s important to acknowledge them.

Day 7

Ask for help. A therapist or fertility coach can help you navigate any big emotions during the holidays. Maybe book in some extra appointments leading up to Christmas. 

Day 8

Celebrate in your own way. You may not feel like celebrating Christmas and that’s OK. You may feel like hiding under the covers and skipping ahead to the new year. But if you can, try to celebrate Christmas in ways that make you feel good. Maybe it’s time with family or your partner, eating turkey and pudding, or opening some presents under the tree.

Day 9

Be selective with events. Family gatherings, work celebrations, catch ups with friends…there’s so many events over Christmas. Pick and choose which ones you want to celebrate. You can just skip the event with the noisy uncle or drink work colleague who’s going to ask you, “When are you going to have kids?”. Christmas parties can also often be full of children so if you find that too triggering, make sure to limit these events.

Day 10

Lean on your support network. Whether it’s the online community, IVF babble, or maybe some friends who are going through the same as you, reach out to your network. Talking to someone, especially someone who actually gets it, can be very beneficial over the holidays.

Day 11

Find new traditions. Christmas is a time of celebration and tradition. Maybe some new traditions can be a good distraction and also give you some joy.  

Day 12

Find glimmers of gratitude and joy. This can be a hard one, but where you can, notice any small things that give you happiness and joy. Whether it’s time with your partner or friends, or enjoying a new Christmas tradition, take some time to seek out those moments.