I Wasn’t Going to Be a Surrogate at First

For many women, the idea of becoming a surrogate feels big, overwhelming, even a little scary. Heather understands that feeling better than most. A two-time surrogate and Senior Manager at Circle Surrogacy, Heather says surrogacy was one of the most meaningful experiences of her life. But she didn’t always feel this way. In fact, when she first heard about surrogacy, she couldn’t imagine ever doing it. 

“I had all the same fears.” 

Heather remembers the early questions that raced through her mind – the same ones she now hears from women every day:

What if I want to keep the baby? 

What if I fall out with the intended parents? 

What if I don’t connect with them? 

What if they don’t trust me? 

A seed planted early 

Heather first heard about surrogacy at just 19 years old, sitting in her college microbiology lab. Her lab partner mentioned she wanted to become a surrogate one day. “I remember thinking, you can do that? It stuck with me, even though I didn’t understand much about it at the time.”

Life moved on. Heather graduated college, had children, and built a busy family life. She loves spending time with her family outdoors – hiking, swimming, bike riding. Spending that quality time together means the world to her.  

A conversation at the park 

Five years after that college chat, Heather moved into a new neighborhood. One afternoon at the park, she struck up a conversation with another mom who shared that she was a surrogate.

“This was my first real-life experience with it. My initial reaction was, ‘This sounds crazy!’ But she was so open to talking about it.”

Heather then asked the question she had been holding back – the one she worried sounded rude: “How do you give a baby up?”

She clearly remembers the women’s open, non-judgmental response: “Well, you’re not really giving up a baby, because it’s not your baby to begin with. You go into it knowing you’re going to help another person have a baby.” 

That moment shifted something in Heather. 

“We exchanged numbers and kept talking. She explained the screening process you go through to qualify and how they make sure it’s safe for you and your family. The more I learned, the more I felt this pull that if I didn’t at least try to do this, I’m going to regret it.” 

Taking the leap 

In 2014, Heather met with Circle, and they walked her through everything. 

“I was scared of the unknowns. I wondered if I’d be left with medical bills or have to book my own travel.

But once I learned how supported surrogates are – travel consultants, program coordinators, people guiding you every step – my fears calmed. I felt taken care of.”

Once she submitted her application, she was all in.

“I was 110% on board.”

Heather’s first surrogacy journey

Heather describes her first journey as the “textbook Disneyland experience.”

“Everything went perfectly. It was a beautiful journey, and all the things I was afraid of didn’t happen. 

“I think it’s easy to worry. You’re agreeing to have a baby for someone who starts off as a stranger, and that’s a very vulnerable place to be. Emotions are high. You can’t predict the relationship you’ll have, but in my case, and many cases, we connected from the start.” 

She remembers the first video call with her intended father – a moment she still laughs about. 

“It’s like a blind date. I blurted out, ‘I’ve been nervously cleaning my apartment all day!’ He laughed and said he does the same thing. That broke the ice instantly.”

They built a strong, trusting relationship despite living across the country – Heather in Arizona, him in New York.

“We talked all the time. I would record the baby’s heartbeat for him, send videos of my belly – ‘Your baby is having a dance party in there!’ He flew out for the 20-week scan and met my kids. It was really special.”

Surrogacy journey two: “When can I do this again?”

“I remember delivering in the hospital and immediately asking my husband, ‘When do you think I can do this again?’”

Six months later, Circle reached out about a couple from Australia they thought Heather would be perfect for. “I told them, ‘I have been waiting for someone to ask me this question since the day I delivered.’”

Her second journey wasn’t as smooth – a few unexpected hurdles came up, including the transfer being moved up suddenly and the baby arriving earlier than planned – but she felt prepared. She had a confidence from doing it before.  

“Circle had already talked to me about how things don’t always go to plan. And the support team, all licensed mental health professionals, is incredible. They help you navigate any hard or unexpected moments like failed transfers, early births or pregnancy loss.”

What advice would Heather give to anyone considering being a surrogate?

Heather knows exactly how intimidating the first step can feel.

“Push through that initial discomfort. Once you’re on the other side, everything makes more sense. The uncertainty is the hardest part – not the journey itself.”

She encourages women to ask every question, even the awkward ones.

“The thing that held me back was not understanding how you ‘give up a baby.’ Asking that question changed everything. Ask the uncomfortable questions. They lead to clarity.”

Surrogacy was a life-changing experience – for everyone involved

“Surrogacy was my Mount Everest moment,” Heather says. “Watching intended parents meet their baby for the first time – knowing their life is forever changed and you played a part in that – it’s surreal. It’s humbling. It’s extraordinary.”

And while her motivation was always to help another family, surrogacy also created opportunities for her own.

“With the compensation, we were able to take a family vacation to Mexico, go to Disneyland, upgrade our vehicle, and put a down payment on our first home. It was such a blessing.”

Heather has now spent a decade helping women begin their own surrogacy journeys. As Senior Manager of Circle’s intake team, she’s often the first-person applicants speak to.

“As a previous surrogate, there’s such passion behind this work. I had such a positive experience, and I want every surrogate to have that same experience.”

To anyone standing where she once stood – curious, nervous, unsure – Heather offers this: “You don’t have to have it all figured out. Just take the next step. Ask the questions. Learn more. You might be surprised by what this journey becomes for you.”

*As featured in the Circle Surrogacy blog.

Male infertility matters

Forty per-cent of infertility is due to the male. Forty per-cent! Yet, if you ask most people, they’ll still tell you infertility is mainly a woman’s issue. When a couple is struggling to conceive, the default assumption is often that the woman is the one experiencing difficulty. And unfortunately, stigma around male infertility persists. Many men feel ashamed, isolated, or even emasculated. 

Despite male infertility accounting for almost half of all fertility challenges, resources for men remain limited. Male infertility remains one of the least openly discussed aspects of reproductive health. While women are increasingly encouraged to speak openly about infertility, IVF and pregnancy loss, men are often expected to stay stoic and be the supportive partner, even when they are grieving too. When a couple experiences pregnancy loss, much of the attention and support is typically directed toward the woman, leaving many men to cope quietly and feel pressure to remain strong for their partner.

Male infertility is most commonly linked to issues such as low sperm count, poor sperm health, abnormal sperm formation, or the presence of sperm antibodies. In many cases, the underlying cause involves sperm production, or in some instances, a complete absence of sperm. And even with such high numbers, many men still don’t talk about it – and the emotional impact can show up in different ways.

If your partner is struggling to cope, here’s some helpful ways you can support them:

§  Acknowledge their feelings. Don’t assume they’re not finding it painful and difficult, even if they don’t show it. Share the grief with them, ask them how they are feeling, validate their emotions, listen, and provide comfort.

§  Encourage them to talk to someone. If you think it would help, suggest speaking with a counsellor or fertility coach who understands the complexities of infertility.

§  Promote self-care. Men need it too. What are some things they love doing? What brings them joy? A self-care routine can be so beneficial. 

§  Invest in helpful resources. The IVF Dad (by Keegan Prue) is an excellent book. As Keegan says, “The IVF Dad is for anyone, whether you’re a man who wants to better understand infertility treatment; a woman who wants to help her partner be better informed and more supportive; or a couple who wants tips on how to survive infertility”.

Infertility isn’t solely a woman’s issue – men make up nearly half of all cases. Reducing the stigma and exploring options such as IVF, ICSI and sperm donation can improve a couple’s chances of success while helping to ease both the emotional and time pressures involved.

Understanding Genetic Testing in IVF

“About half of all miscarriages are caused by chromosomal abnormalities.” I was shocked when our IVF specialist told us. Fifty per cent felt enormous. But then he added, “We can test your embryos and only transfer the ones without abnormalities.” Now he had my full attention.

By this point, we were meeting our second IVF specialist in Australia. After multiple failed and cancelled transfers – due to my thin endometrium lining – we needed another opinion. During that appointment, he laid out the reality: thin linings are uncommon, often genetic, difficult to treat, and our best chance of having a child was through gestational surrogacy. It was a lot to absorb.

Then he introduced Preimplantation Genetic Testing (PGT-A). And he didn’t mince words: “I don’t treat patients who refuse genetic testing. So it’s your choice whether you want to continue seeing me.” He immediately explained what PGT-A is and why he considers it essential. Within minutes, we were convinced.

Here is an overview:

What is Preimplantation Genetic Testing (PGT-A)?

PGT-A is a laboratory technique used to examine the chromosomes inside an embryo. A healthy embryo has 23 pairs of chromosomes – 46 in total – half from the egg and half from the sperm. When an embryo has too many or too few chromosomes, IVF transfers are more likely to fail, and pregnancies are more likely to end in miscarriage.

By identifying embryos with the correct number of chromosomes, PGT-A helps select the embryo with the highest chance of resulting in a successful pregnancy. Many clinics now consider it standard practice, and research suggests it can increase live birth rates per transfer while reducing miscarriage risk. Although anyone can choose PGT-A, it’s especially recommended for women over 35, as chromosomal abnormalities become more common with age.

Can PGT-A reveal gender?

Yes. Embryos with XX chromosomes are female; those with XY are male. However, whether you’re allowed to know the gender depends on where your embryos are created. In our case, even though our surrogacy transfers were in the United States, our embryos were created in Australia – where revealing embryo sex is illegal. The same restrictions apply in Canada and the UK. In contrast, gender selection is legal in some countries, including the USA, where it has become increasingly popular.

PGT-M: Screening for specific genetic conditions

PGT-M is less common than PGT-A and is used when there’s a known risk of passing on a particular genetic disorder. It screens for single-gene conditions such as cystic fibrosis or Huntington’s disease. In total, PGT-M can detect more than 350 genetic diseases, both common and rare.

PGT-SR: Testing for structural chromosome rearrangements

The third type of genetic testing is PGT-SR, sometimes called PGD. This test looks for structural rearrangements in chromosomes. Some people have the correct number of chromosomes but arranged differently. While they may be healthy themselves, they can pass on unbalanced chromosome patterns to their children, increasing the risk of miscarriage or developmental challenges.

Why many patients choose genetic testing

For us, choosing PGT-A brought a sense of control during a time when so much felt uncertain. After three devastating pregnancy losses, knowing there was a way to reduce the risk of miscarriage offered real comfort. And transferring only euploid (chromosomally normal) embryos gave us renewed hope.

Looking back, I can’t imagine how much time, money, and emotional energy we might have lost if we had continued transferring embryos that had no chance of becoming a healthy pregnancy. Infertility takes so much out of your hands – but genetic testing is one area where you can make a choice that may improve your odds of success.