The start of a new year can be triggering

New year, new beginnings. It’s true. The new year can make you feel optimistic for the year ahead. It’s the time of year where many of us set goals and get excited for the possibilities that await us. Except if you’re in the infertility trenches. The start of a new year can symbolise yet another year passing without a family. And you can feel pessimistic and anxious for what’s to come, often bracing yourself for more heartbreak or loss. 

For the first couple of years, I felt hopeful at the start of a new year. I was excited. I was ready. This would be “our year.” I would be a Mum. I would finally hold our precious baby in my arms. But with each passing year, the optimism started to drain. And it was soon replaced with dread. Dread that I would enter yet another year filled with dashed dreams and heartbreak. Another year of not being a Mum.

If you’re feeling this way, know that you’re not alone. Ask anyone going through infertility what time of year they fear the most and they’ll tell you it’s the holiday season. The season where everyone is coming together and celebrating. It’s common to feel a mix of emotions during Christmas and New Year’s. Here’s some things that always helped me at the start of a new year:

• Know it’s OK to feel this way. Infertility is incredibly painful. But especially at Christmas and New Year’s. Amongst everyone celebrating, the emphasis on family and children can trigger conflicting emotions of sadness, grief, and frustration. You may feel all of this and more…and that’s ok. It’s human to feel this way. You’re not alone.

• Self-care. Do some things just for you, things you love doing. If I ever I need a self-care kick, I go for a long walk, binge a reality TV show, or read a good book. During our infertility journey, self-care was also about therapy. I had a wonderful therapist (who was also a hypnotist) who helped me cope during some very hard times. She also helped me strengthen my resilience.

• Book in something to look forward to. Whether it’s a holiday, weekend away or a trip to the theatre, book in something that excites you. You’re going through so much, you deserve it.

• Set boundaries. Take some time to assess your boundaries. One of my boundaries was saying no to most baby showers or gender reveal parties.

• Prepare for unsolicited advice. Similar to boundaries, it’s also a good time of year to prepare for unsolicited advice – aka “just relax” – and have a few responses ready. For example, you can point out the facts: ‘Infertility is a reproductive disease, a medical condition that impacts millions worldwide’. You can also politely say that it’s none of their business and simply walk away. 

• Lean on others. There are so many helpful resources out there. It’s a good time of year to try something new. Whether it’s listening to a new podcast, connecting with others here on ivf babble, or following a new Instagram page, the TTC community is a fantastic source of support.

  
  

For anyone who thought they would be pregnant, or have a baby, this new year, I see you. I know how painful it is. Be kind to yourself. And know that you’re not alone. There’s many people out there going through exactly the same thing as you. Find those people. Talk to them. Lean on them. Surround yourself with love and support. Don’t suffer in silence.

Also featured in IVF Babble.

Infertility at Christmas

“It’s the most wonderful time of the year”. It’s a catchy tune. And by the second line, you’re reminded of why it’s so wonderful, “With the kids jingle belling”. Because let’s face it, Christmas is all about kids. Santa, presents, the elf on a shelf…And sure, it is a wonderful time of year. Except if you’re struggling with infertility. 

One of my first posts when I started my Instagram page (@straight.up.infertility) was: ‘Infertility at Christmas is hard’. What I didn’t expect, was to receive thousands of likes and hundreds of comments. I only had a handful of followers at the time, so this was an enormous response. Wading through the endless comments, two themes emerged: Christmas is a time of year where you’re a reminded of the one thing you don’t have and would do anything to have. And, you have to attend those yearly extended family gatherings where you’re often asked: “Do you want kids?”, or “When are you going to have kids?” And it’s usually followed by unsolicited advice: “It will happen soon. You just need to relax”. Insert eye roll. 

Before our son was born, via gestational surrogacy, I always found Christmas tough. I wanted to hide under the covers and fast forward to the new year. But it was always impossible to do that so here’s how I navigated the holiday season:

Limit the Christmas celebrations. If you can, skip the work function or extended family gathering. These celebrations can be extremely difficult so it’s important to protect your mental health and limit how many you attend. 

Stay off social media. Santa photos, family photos, school concert videos…social media can be extremely triggering. It feels like a constant stream of reminders of what you want so desperately. While it can be hard, try to limit your social media consumption. 

Be prepared for unsolicited advice. Expect it will happen. There’s always one nosey aunt or one drunk work colleague who just can’t help themselves. So have a few responses ready. For example, you can point out the facts: Infertility is a reproductive disease, a medical condition that impacts millions worldwide. And if you’re feeling extra bold: “I’m not sure how relaxed women in war torn countries are. These women fall pregnant every day. Relaxing is not a medical cure.” You can also politely say that it’s none of their business and simply walk away. 

Self-care. Do some things just for you, things you love doing. If I ever I need a self-care kick, I go for a long walk, binge a reality TV show, or read a good book. And one Christmas, my husband and I took self-care to the next level, we spent Christmas in Vienna. It was just the two of us and we loved it. It was the perfect escape. I know that’s something that can be tricky to do at Christmas, but if you have a choice, I highly recommend it! 

Acknowledge your feelings. I think it’s imperative to acknowledge that infertility is incredibly painful. But especially at Christmas. You may feel so many emotions like anger, frustration, jealously, and sadness…and that’s ok. It’s human to feel this way.

I know infertility at Christmas is hard. For anyone who thought they would be pregnant, or have a baby, this holiday season, I see you. I know how painful it is. Be kind to yourself. 

You just need to relax

We’ve all heard it before: “You just need to relax”. From friends and family to acquaintances and work colleagues. Even sometimes from strangers. And it always hurts. A lot. It’s a punch in the guts. And if there’s one thing I’m certain of, being told to relax, makes you feel the opposite of relaxed. 

It still amazes me that so many people, with no medical expertise, provide unsolicited advice. During our infertility journey, I lost count of how many times people told me to, “Just relax”. I also heard: “You need a night out drinking”; “You need a holiday”; “You just need to adopt”; and “It will happen when you stop trying”. And everyone always seemed to know ‘someone’, who after years of IVF, stopped treatment and fell pregnant naturally. I’m yet to meet this unicorn but I’ve been assured, on several occasions, this person does exist.  

Infertility is a reproductive disease, a medical condition. Relaxing is not a medical cure. Millions worldwide have infertility, due to several medical reasons. And let’s not forget, forty per cent of infertility is due to male factor. Yet when a couple is struggling to fall pregnant, most people assume it’s the female. I often wonder how many men have been told to “just relax”. I suspect not many.  

Our son was born through gestational surrogacy because of my thin endometrium lining. The endometrium lining – the inner lining of the uterus – is crucial for falling pregnant and staying pregnant. After years of failed IVF transfers and pregnancy losses, our second IVF specialist hit us with the hard truth: Thin linings are rare, usually genetic, and often impossible to treat. And that our strongest chance of having a baby was through surrogacy. But not ready to close the door on being pregnant myself, I tried everything I could to fix my lining. Acupuncture, chinese medicine, special diets, medications, supplements…even a stem cell procedure. Nothing worked. And while our IVF specialist knew these methods wouldn’t work – except for maybe the stem cell procedure – he also knew I needed to find this out for myself. 

So what’s the problem with people offering unsolicited advice? In my experience, it always made me feel like s&*t. It made me feel like it was my fault. And irrational thoughts would creep in: We would probably be pregnant by now if I could just be Zen. Why can’t I drink some herbal tea, do some yoga, and just chill out?! I know now, as I knew then, that infertility is outside your control. It’s nothing you did or didn’t do. It’s a medical condition. But when you’re in the thick of it, it’s often hard to think rationally and it’s easy to blame yourself. 

Up until my infertility diagnosis, as a true October baby (Libra), people would often describe me as calm and balanced. In one workplace, in my farewell speech, my colleague asked: “Has anyone ever seen Kirst flustered at work? I haven’t. She is one of the most measured and patient people in our team, a reliable and steady pair of hands.” Measured, steady, patient…not usually the words used to describe someone who can’t relax. I’ve had a few friends struggle with infertility and they’ve been some of the most resilient, patient, and calm people I’ve known. I’ve also known people who have been anxious and highly strung who have fallen pregnant without trying. Why? Because the two are not related. In my book ‘This is Infertility’, Dr Russell Foulk (Utah Fertility Center) sums it up perfectly when he says: “People will say, ‘it was easy for me to get pregnant, just stop thinking about it, stop stressing about it’. Which is really difficult information to get. It’s like if you’re diagnosed with cancer to be told to stop thinking about it or to just get past the stress of it, you’ll get better, which is a ridiculous concept.” Spot on. 

My advice? I regret not doing it sooner but eventually I started to advocate for myself. Whenever someone would offer me ‘advice’ I would point out the facts: Infertility is a reproductive disease, a medical condition that impacts millions worldwide. And if I was feeling extra bold: “I’m not sure how relaxed women in war torn countries are. These women fall pregnant every day” or “Relaxing is not a medical cure. Imagine telling someone who has cancer to ‘just relax’ and they would be cured. That would be hurtful and insulting. Infertility should be no different.”

Like most medical conditions, infertility is indiscriminate and outside your control. It’s not your fault. And from what I’ve seen, the strength, resilience, and determination that people go through to become parents is astounding. But for anyone struggling with infertility, you are not alone. There’s many of us out there. Find those people. Talk to them. Lean on them. Surround yourself with love and support. Don’t suffer in silence.

Also featured in IVF Babble.