Our surrogacy miscarriage: A personal reflection

“I’m so sorry, but we’ve lost the baby”. It was the most gut wrenching and devastating text message I had ever read. It was our third pregnancy loss but this one was different. Because this loss was with our surrogate. 

The author Zoe Clark-Coates once wrote, “When the pain radiates through your soul and your heart carries so much grief you wonder how it continues to beat, you know the loss has changed you forever.” It’s been seven years and yet, the pain, the grief still lingers. Anyone who’s experienced pregnancy loss knows it’s a feeling that never quite leaves you. 

A surrogacy miscarriage 

We had the added complexity of a surrogacy miscarriage. Yes, it was our baby, but I wasn’t the one who was pregnant. I wasn’t the one who had had morning sickness a week earlier. The one who had the probe over her pregnant belly, for what felt like an eternity, as the nurse desperately tried to find a heartbeat. And the one who had to endure a D&C. Our Obstetrician later told me how our surrogate Leigha was the only person he’s ever known to be crying so hard while the general anaesthesia was taking effect. He had tightly held her hand and right up to the second before she fell asleep, she was sobbing. 

International surrogacy

Of course, we wanted to grieve together, in person. But this is the challenge with international surrogacy. We were on opposite ends of the world. With us in Australia and Leigha in the USA, the best we could do was a Skype call. We didn’t speak until the next day though. Leigha had never experienced a pregnancy loss so the pain for her was palpable. She was devastated. And on top of that, she felt a suffocating guilt. Before we spoke, her husband Josh told us she was too scared to talk to us. She felt like she had let us down. 

A miscarriage is not your fault 

Anyone who has experienced pregnancy loss knows it’s no one’s fault. It’s nothing you did or didn’t do. After the actor James Van der Beek (Dawson’s Creek) and his wife experienced multiple miscarriages, he wrote, “First off—we need a new word for it. ‘Miscarriage’, in an insidious way, suggests fault of the mother—as if she dropped something, or failed to ‘carry’. From what I’ve learned, in all but the most obvious, extreme cases, it has nothing to do with anything the mother did or didn’t do. So, let’s wipe all blame off the table before we even start”. Spot on. 

A pregnancy loss is devastating 

The morning after our miscarriage, we Skyped with Leighaand Josh. Riddled with guilt, Josh had to convince her to speak to us. Leigha was distraught. She couldn’t stop crying. Neither could I. The first thing we got out of the way was that we didn’t blame her. For twenty-four hours, she had been carrying that guilt around. I can only imagine what a heavy burden that would have been. Our miscarriage also made me realise the significant commitment Leigha, and her family, were making for us. 

Your IVF clinic team is vital 

I was incredibly grateful for our IVF clinic ‘The Utah Fertility Center’ and especially our nurse Tonya. It’s during a time like this that IVF clinics truly show you who they are. And our IVF clinic didn’t disappoint. Tonya worked tirelessly with Josh to organise everything with the D&C and to make sure Leigha was well supported. She also spoke to me several times that day. At one point, I spoke to her for an hour before realising it was 10 pm USA time. This wasn’t a job to her; you could tell she greatly empathised. She also organised an appointment with our fertility doctor, Dr Russell Foulk, for later that week.

Having the next step in place can help you move forward 

Organising appointments was always one of the very few things I felt was in our control. When we talked to Dr Foulk, we learned that what had caused the miscarriage was a subchorionic haematoma; a blood clot that is formed by the abnormal collection of blood between the placenta and the wall of the uterus. It’s really frustrating though as it can’t be prevented or treated. Many women who develop subchorionic haematomas enjoy normal and healthy pregnancies. But occasionally, it can grow and can cause miscarriage, preterm labour, or placental abruptions. In our case, the haematoma had grown, and it had cut off supply from the placenta to our baby. 

Our miracle baby

We had one last IVF transfer in our surrogacy contract. Usually with a surrogacy contract, you commit to three IVF transfers. Leigha could have walked away at this point, no one would have blamed her. But she was determined to help us have a family. And as we had fallen pregnant before, we were all cautiously optimistic. We transferred our last embryo and nine months later, our beautiful son Spencer was born.   

Surrogacy for us was a beautiful and life changing experience. It is a huge commitment though. For anyone considering surrogacy, I think it’s important to know pregnancy loss is a possibility. To be mentally prepared, as much as you can be, if it happens. The miscarriage rate with surrogacy is low though, which is reassuring. For anyone on the surrogacy journey, or considering it, I wish you all the best. 

You can also reach out to me anytime on Instagram @straight.up.infertility if you have any questions about my IVF and surrogacy journey. 

*as featured in IVF babble