Our surrogacy miscarriage

“I’m so sorry, but we’ve lost the baby”.

It was the most gut wrenching and devastating text message I had ever read. It was our third pregnancy loss, but this one was different. Because this loss was with our surrogate.

The author Zoe Clark-Coates once wrote, “When the pain radiates through your soul and your heart carries so much grief you wonder how it continues to beat, you know the loss has changed you forever.” Seven years on, the pain and grief linger. Anyone who has experienced pregnancy loss knows it’s a feeling that never fully leaves you.   

A surrogacy miscarriage

We had the added complexity of a surrogacy miscarriage. Yes, it was our baby, but I wasn’t the one who was pregnant. I wasn’t the one lying there with a probe over my belly while a nurse desperately searched for a heartbeat. And I wasn’t the one who had to endure a D&C.

Our obstetrician later told me how our surrogate, Leigha, was the only person he’s ever seen cry so hard as the general anaesthesia took effect. He held her hand tightly, and right up until the moment she fell asleep, she was sobbing.

International surrogacy

Of course, we wanted to grieve together, in person. But that’s one of the challenges of international surrogacy. We were on opposite sides of the world – us in Australia, Leigha in the USA. The best we could do was Skype.

We didn’t speak until the next day. Leigha had never experienced a pregnancy loss before, and she was devastated. Before we spoke, her husband Josh told us she was too scared to talk to us. She felt like she had let us down.

A miscarriage is not your fault   

Anyone who has experienced pregnancy loss knows it’s no one’s fault. It’s nothing you did or didn’t do.

A pregnancy loss is devastating

The morning after our miscarriage, we Skyped with Leigha and Josh. Leigha was distraught. She couldn’t stop crying – and neither could I. The first thing we made clear was that we didn’t blame her. She had carried that guilt for twenty-four hours, and I can only imagine how heavy that must have felt. The moment also made me realise the enormous commitment Leigha and her family were making for us.

Your IVF clinic team matters  

I was incredibly grateful for our IVF clinic, The Utah Fertility Center, and especially our nurse, Tonya. It’s during times like this that IVF clinics show you who they truly are.

Tonya worked tirelessly with Josh to organise everything for the D&C and to make sure Leigha was supported. She also spoke to me several times that day. At one point, I realised we had been talking for an hour – and it was 10 pm her time. This wasn’t a job to her; she genuinely cared. She also arranged an appointment with our fertility doctor, Dr Russell Foulk, for later that week.

Having the next step helps you move forward

Organising appointments was one of the few things that felt within my control. When we spoke to Dr Foulk, we learned that the miscarriage was caused by a subchorionic haematoma – a blood clot formed by an abnormal collection of blood between the placenta and the uterine wall.

It’s incredibly frustrating because it can’t be prevented or treated. Many women with subchorionic haematomas go on to have healthy pregnancies. But occasionally, the clot grows and can cause miscarriage, preterm labour, or placental abruptions. In our case, the haematoma grew and cut off the placenta’s supply to our baby.

Our miracle baby

We had one last IVF transfer in our surrogacy contract. Typically, a surrogacy contract includes three transfers. Leigha could have walked away at that point – but she was determined to help us have a family.

We were cautiously optimistic. We transferred our last embryo, and nine months later, our beautiful son Spencer was born.