We’ve all heard it before: “You just need to relax”. From friends and family to acquaintances and work colleagues. Even sometimes from strangers. And it always hurts. A lot. It’s a punch in the guts. And if there’s one thing I’m certain of, being told to relax, makes you feel the opposite of relaxed.
It still amazes me that so many people, with no medical expertise, provide unsolicited advice. During our infertility journey, I lost count of how many times people told me to, “Just relax”. I also heard: “You need a night out drinking”; “You need a holiday”; “You just need to adopt”; and “It will happen when you stop trying”. And everyone always seemed to know ‘someone’, who after years of IVF, stopped treatment and fell pregnant naturally. I’m yet to meet this unicorn but I’ve been assured, on several occasions, this person does exist.
Infertility is a reproductive disease, a medical condition. Relaxing is not a medical cure. Millions worldwide have infertility, due to several medical reasons. And let’s not forget, forty per cent of infertility is due to male factor. Yet when a couple is struggling to fall pregnant, most people assume it’s the female. I often wonder how many men have been told to “just relax”. I suspect not many.
Our son was born through gestational surrogacy because of my thin endometrium lining. The endometrium lining – the inner lining of the uterus – is crucial for falling pregnant and staying pregnant. After years of failed IVF transfers and pregnancy losses, our second IVF specialist hit us with the hard truth: Thin linings are rare, usually genetic, and often impossible to treat. And that our strongest chance of having a baby was through surrogacy. But not ready to close the door on being pregnant myself, I tried everything I could to fix my lining. Acupuncture, chinese medicine, special diets, medications, supplements…even a stem cell procedure. Nothing worked. And while our IVF specialist knew these methods wouldn’t work – except for maybe the stem cell procedure – he also knew I needed to find this out for myself.
So what’s the problem with people offering unsolicited advice? In my experience, it always made me feel like s&*t. It made me feel like it was my fault. And irrational thoughts would creep in: We would probably be pregnant by now if I could just be Zen. Why can’t I drink some herbal tea, do some yoga, and just chill out?! I know now, as I knew then, that infertility is outside your control. It’s nothing you did or didn’t do. It’s a medical condition. But when you’re in the thick of it, it’s often hard to think rationally and it’s easy to blame yourself.
Up until my infertility diagnosis, as a true October baby (Libra), people would often describe me as calm and balanced. In one workplace, in my farewell speech, my colleague asked: “Has anyone ever seen Kirst flustered at work? I haven’t. She is one of the most measured and patient people in our team, a reliable and steady pair of hands.” Measured, steady, patient…not usually the words used to describe someone who can’t relax. I’ve had a few friends struggle with infertility and they’ve been some of the most resilient, patient, and calm people I’ve known. I’ve also known people who have been anxious and highly strung who have fallen pregnant without trying. Why? Because the two are not related. In my book ‘This is Infertility’, Dr Russell Foulk (Utah Fertility Center) sums it up perfectly when he says: “People will say, ‘it was easy for me to get pregnant, just stop thinking about it, stop stressing about it’. Which is really difficult information to get. It’s like if you’re diagnosed with cancer to be told to stop thinking about it or to just get past the stress of it, you’ll get better, which is a ridiculous concept.” Spot on.
My advice? I regret not doing it sooner but eventually I started to advocate for myself. Whenever someone would offer me ‘advice’ I would point out the facts: Infertility is a reproductive disease, a medical condition that impacts millions worldwide. And if I was feeling extra bold: “I’m not sure how relaxed women in war torn countries are. These women fall pregnant every day” or “Relaxing is not a medical cure. Imagine telling someone who has cancer to ‘just relax’ and they would be cured. That would be hurtful and insulting. Infertility should be no different.”
Like most medical conditions, infertility is indiscriminate and outside your control. It’s not your fault. And from what I’ve seen, the strength, resilience, and determination that people go through to become parents is astounding. But for anyone struggling with infertility, you are not alone. There’s many of us out there. Find those people. Talk to them. Lean on them. Surround yourself with love and support. Don’t suffer in silence.
Also featured in IVF Babble.
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