Our son Spencer was born through international surrogacy in the USA in 2019. This was after a painful six-year infertility journey. Due to my thin endometrium lining, we had several failed and cancelled IVF transfers and three pregnancy losses. It was our second fertility specialist in Australia who told us that surrogacy was our best option to have children. And while it felt overwhelming at first, surrogacy was an amazing and life changing experience. Because without surrogacy, we wouldn’t have our beautiful son. Without surrogacy, we wouldn’t have children at all. So I’ll admit, when earlier this year I stumbled across a video on Instagram of Pope Francis proclaiming surrogacy as “deplorable”, my heart sank.
In the video, he described surrogacy as “an abuse of human rights” and something that should be banned globally. Bewildered yet intrigued, I searched for the news coverage. There were countless articles of Pope Francis saying how surrogacy turns a child into “an object of trafficking.” My sadness was quickly replaced with anger. His sentiment was also supported by the US Conference of Catholic Bishops who argued it’s a “grave injustice to everyone involved.” The Catholic Church has always regretfully been opposed to surrogacy, IVF, and abortion on the grounds that they violate the natural law. So the Pope’s declaration isn’t a surprise.
My first thought: What would a bunch of old men with no children know what it’s like to not be able to have children? Why should they get a say in who should - and shouldn’t - have a family? My second thought: How disappointing and tragic that they don’t understand how surrogacy is a gift for so many people. I wonder if they have talked to anyone who has a family through surrogacy. I doubt it. Without surrogacy, we wouldn’t have Spencer. Without surrogacy, tens of thousands of people wouldn’t have their precious children.
It’s not the first time I’ve heard people be so vocal about surrogacy. Although it’s usually not been from people in high positions of influence. Only last year, I was scrolling social media when an Instagram post caught my attention: “Surrogacy is a mortal sin.” I laughed. Until I read the comments. There were so many negative comments. Most were complete rubbish. But there was one comment - and the replies in support of it - that angered me: “Anyone who has a baby through surrogacy is selfish. It’s incredibly selfish to the poor child. You shouldn’t be a parent. You will damage your child for life.” It was those final two sentences that made my heart race.
I would do anything for Spencer. We fought so long and hard to have him. He is the love of our lives. The accusation from a stranger that we were selfish and damaging Spencer, enraged me. I wanted desperately to reply and tell her she was wrong. But my rational husband convinced me otherwise, “If you reply back, they win. They’re trolls. And nothing you say will convince them anyway.” He was right. I didn’t reply. I blocked her account. But I was seething with anger for hours. And unfortunately that fury revisited me this year when I heard the Pope’s comments.
Like so many things in life, surrogacy is nuanced. Do I think there needs to be tighter regulation on surrogacy in some countries and fertility clinics? Yes. Are there stories of women being exploited? Yes. There are some countries that have very poor protections for surrogates. And that’s just not good enough. But for every awful story, I’ve heard of so many more positive ones. I’ve connected with several surrogates and intended parents over the years who have had incredible and beautiful experiences.
We had an amazing experience in the USA through the Utah Fertility Center and Dr Russell Foulk. And we have a beautiful and special relationship with our surrogate Leigha and her husband Josh. We even lived with them for a few weeks after Spencer was born. They are like family and despite the distance, we know they will be in our lives forever.
As for Leigha’s view? She often tells people how surrogacy was a gift for her as well and something she personally got so much out of. A surrogate twice, she says: “I now have two beautiful families that complete my family. One in Spain and one in Australia. They will always be a part of me, and I’m so blessed to have to sisters through motherhood.”
Infertility is indiscriminate and outside your control. It’s not your fault. And from what I’ve seen, the strength, resilience, and determination that people go through to become parents is astounding. To have a universal ban on surrogacy, would be ridiculous and hurtful and it would rob so many people of their dream to have a family. I hope that this call to ban surrogacy is just that. A request that goes nowhere. And that many more people will go on to experience the wonderful gift of surrogacy.
As featured in IVF Babble
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