The weight of pregnancy announcements

A friend called me in tears today. “Yet another friend just told me she’s pregnant” she cried. My friend has been doing IVF for years, but this friend fell pregnant quickly and easily. It hit her like a punch to the chest. “It’s not fair. It only took her a couple of months.” I understood instantly. Her pain took me straight back to the years before we finally welcomed our son through gestational surrogacy. I remember every pregnancy announcement from that time with absolute clarity. It didn’t matter whether it was a work colleague, a relative or a friend – there was always someone. One year, four of my close friends were all due with their second babies at the same time. At Christmas, no less. And every one of them had started trying for their first child after we had already begun our journey. None of it felt fair.  

Each announcement was its own kind of heartbreak. It was a relentless emotional roller coaster, and during every round of treatment, one thought screamed through my mind: When will it be our turn?

I felt sad, angry, upset, and yes – jealous. Jealously is a rotten emotion but talk to anyone going through infertility, and they will tell you they’ve felt it. Many times. It sits right alongside profound sadness. With every announcement, I cried. Sometimes I sobbed for hours.

My close friends were always gentle and supportive. They told me privately before sharing their news publicly, and I could feel their empathy – and their nervousness – every time. Some dreaded the conversation so much that one friend even cried while telling me their happy news. And while the sting of jealously was always there, I was genuinely happy for them too. They weren’t getting pregnant to hurt me. They wanted a family as deeply as I did. It’s just that for some people, building a family is easy. For others, it’s incredibly hard and painfully unfair.

Infertility is hard. It’s all consuming. When you’re in the thick of it, all you see and hear are pregnancy announcements. It feels like everyone is pregnant except you. After one of our losses, I stopped going to the supermarket because every aisle seemed filled with glowing pregnant women or parents with babies. It was too much.

What helped me cope:

·      Acknowledge your feelings. They’re valid. And know that’s it’s OK to not be OK.

·      Feelings can co-exist. You can be happy for someone else and devastated for yourself at the same time. All feelings are valid.

·      Cry when you need to. A good cry was often the only thing that helped me breathe again. It was therapeutic.   

·      Talk to someone about how you are feeling. Whether it’s someone else going through infertility and IVF; the #ttc community; a fertility coach; or a counsellor. Sharing the weight can help.

·      Prioritise self-care. Be kind to yourself and do something just for you, something you enjoy. For me, that meant long walks, a massage or losing myself in a good TV series.

·      Meditate. If it works for you, meditation can really help. There are some fantastic meditations through @thisisalicerose (Meditation for pregnancy announcements). I also find meditation apps like Calm and Smiling Mind are helpful.

·      Take a break from social media. Early on in our IVF and surrogacy journey, I deactivated my Facebook account. It was liberating. I was tired of seeing one pregnancy announcement after the other. It was too much. I remained on Instagram but during the harder times, I limited my use. 

If you have ever felt this way, please don’t add guilt on top of everything else. It is completely human to feel sad, angry, jealous or overwhelmed. You’re navigating something incredibly difficult and deeply unfair. For anyone struggling with a pregnancy announcement right now, be kind to yourself.