The start of a new year can be triggering

New year, new beginnings. It’s true. The new year can make you feel optimistic for the year ahead. It’s the time of year where many of us set goals and get excited for the possibilities that await us. Except if you’re in the infertility trenches. The start of a new year can symbolise yet another year passing without a family. And you can feel pessimistic and anxious for what’s to come, often bracing yourself for more heartbreak or loss. 

For the first couple of years, I felt hopeful at the start of a new year. I was excited. I was ready. This would be “our year.” I would be a Mum. I would finally hold our precious baby in my arms. But with each passing year, the optimism started to drain. And it was soon replaced with dread. Dread that I would enter yet another year filled with dashed dreams and heartbreak. Another year of not being a Mum.

If you’re feeling this way, know that you’re not alone. Ask anyone going through infertility what time of year they fear the most and they’ll tell you it’s the holiday season. The season where everyone is coming together and celebrating. It’s common to feel a mix of emotions during Christmas and New Year’s. Here’s some things that always helped me at the start of a new year:

• Know it’s OK to feel this way. Infertility is incredibly painful. But especially at Christmas and New Year’s. Amongst everyone celebrating, the emphasis on family and children can trigger conflicting emotions of sadness, grief, and frustration. You may feel all of this and more…and that’s ok. It’s human to feel this way. You’re not alone.

• Self-care. Do some things just for you, things you love doing. If I ever I need a self-care kick, I go for a long walk, binge a reality TV show, or read a good book. During our infertility journey, self-care was also about therapy. I had a wonderful therapist (who was also a hypnotist) who helped me cope during some very hard times. She also helped me strengthen my resilience.

• Book in something to look forward to. Whether it’s a holiday, weekend away or a trip to the theatre, book in something that excites you. You’re going through so much, you deserve it.

• Set boundaries. Take some time to assess your boundaries. One of my boundaries was saying no to most baby showers or gender reveal parties.

• Prepare for unsolicited advice. Similar to boundaries, it’s also a good time of year to prepare for unsolicited advice – aka “just relax” – and have a few responses ready. For example, you can point out the facts: ‘Infertility is a reproductive disease, a medical condition that impacts millions worldwide’. You can also politely say that it’s none of their business and simply walk away. 

• Lean on others. There are so many helpful resources out there. It’s a good time of year to try something new. Whether it’s listening to a new podcast, connecting with others here on ivf babble, or following a new Instagram page, the TTC community is a fantastic source of support.

  
  

For anyone who thought they would be pregnant, or have a baby, this new year, I see you. I know how painful it is. Be kind to yourself. And know that you’re not alone. There’s many people out there going through exactly the same thing as you. Find those people. Talk to them. Lean on them. Surround yourself with love and support. Don’t suffer in silence.

Also featured in IVF Babble.