“It’s the most wonderful time of the year”. It’s a catchy tune. And by the second line, you’re reminded of why it’s so wonderful, “With the kids jingle belling”. Because let’s face it, Christmas is all about kids. Santa, presents, the elf on a shelf…And sure, it is a wonderful time of year. Except if you’re struggling with infertility.
One of my first posts when I started my Instagram page (@straight.up.infertility) was: ‘Infertility at Christmas is hard’. What I didn’t expect, was to receive thousands of likes and hundreds of comments. I only had a handful of followers at the time, so this was an enormous response. Wading through the endless comments, two themes emerged: Christmas is a time of year where you’re a reminded of the one thing you don’t have and would do anything to have. And, you have to attend those yearly extended family gatherings where you’re often asked: “Do you want kids?”, or “When are you going to have kids?” And it’s usually followed by unsolicited advice: “It will happen soon. You just need to relax”. Insert eye roll.
Before our son was born, via gestational surrogacy, I always found Christmas tough. I wanted to hide under the covers and fast forward to the new year. But it was always impossible to do that so here’s how I navigated the holiday season:
Limit the Christmas celebrations. If you can, skip the work function or extended family gathering. These celebrations can be extremely difficult so it’s important to protect your mental health and limit how many you attend.
Stay off social media. Santa photos, family photos, school concert videos…social media can be extremely triggering. It feels like a constant stream of reminders of what you want so desperately. While it can be hard, try to limit your social media consumption.
Be prepared for unsolicited advice. Expect it will happen. There’s always one nosey aunt or one drunk work colleague who just can’t help themselves. So have a few responses ready. For example, you can point out the facts: Infertility is a reproductive disease, a medical condition that impacts millions worldwide. And if you’re feeling extra bold: “I’m not sure how relaxed women in war torn countries are. These women fall pregnant every day. Relaxing is not a medical cure.” You can also politely say that it’s none of their business and simply walk away.
Self-care. Do some things just for you, things you love doing. If I ever I need a self-care kick, I go for a long walk, binge a reality TV show, or read a good book. And one Christmas, my husband and I took self-care to the next level, we spent Christmas in Vienna. It was just the two of us and we loved it. It was the perfect escape. I know that’s something that can be tricky to do at Christmas, but if you have a choice, I highly recommend it!
Acknowledge your feelings. I think it’s imperative to acknowledge that infertility is incredibly painful. But especially at Christmas. You may feel so many emotions like anger, frustration, jealously, and sadness…and that’s ok. It’s human to feel this way.
I know infertility at Christmas is hard. For anyone who thought they would be pregnant, or have a baby, this holiday season, I see you. I know how painful it is. Be kind to yourself.
Comments