Supporting your partner this Father’s Day (Australia & New Zealand)

With Father’s Day today (7 September) in Australia and New Zealand, it can be a time of grief for many with infertility. Here are some ways you can support your partner this Father’s Day. 

“I’m just off to choose the new carpet”. An innocent enough comment. Only, an hour earlier, we had endured yet another devastating pregnancy loss. It was our third miscarriage. And this one was with our surrogate. While I stayed curled up in bed, paralysed by grief, my husband was off to choose carpet samples. Did this mean he didn’t care about the miscarriage?

No. Was he devastated by yet another pregnancy loss? Of course he was. Did he have that awful sinking feeling that we may never be parents? Especially knowing surrogacy was our final attempt at having a child. Yes. But for him, distraction helped. Whether it was diving into work or in this case, choosing carpet for our newly renovated home, this was his way of coping. 

With Father’s Day today in Australia, I recently reflected on our IVF and surrogacy journey

We grieved differently. I think like Ryan, men can sometimes hide their grief. But this doesn’t mean it hurts any less. I also think many men try to fix it. Ryan never sat in his grief for too long, he always looked to the next step, at how he could ‘solve’ our “infertility issue”. And many men try to stay strong for their partner. Ryan did this countless times. Whether it was a failed IVF transfer, a cancelled IVF cycle, or a miscarriage, while I broke down, he stayed strong.

He was my rock. But who was his rock? Throughout our 6-year infertility journey, he only cried a handful of times. He only fell to pieces twice. And besides his Mum and sister, and much later on a couple of close friends, he never told anyone. He didn’t share our IVF journey, our losses, the complete and utter devastation. He kept it secret. 

There’s also the added complexity of male infertility

For us, our infertility was due to my thin endometrium lining. Our IVF transfers were often cancelled because my lining didn’t meet the minimum requirement to do an IVF transfer. With the ones that went ahead, the lining was still painfully thin, so we had negative IVF transfers (even with PGS embryos) or pregnancy losses. For some couples though, male infertility is the reason. And sadly, there’s a stigma with male infertility. It’s not uncommon for men to feel ashamed or emasculated. And while many people still assume infertility is a female issue, forty per cent of infertility is attributed to males. Fifty per cent is female infertility. And the remaining ten per cent is a mix of male and female. Despite these high numbers, not enough men talk about it. 

How to support your partner

• Don’t assume they’re not grieving, even if they don’t show it. Share the grief, ask them how they are feeling, validate their feelings, listen, and provide comfort.

•  Recommend they talk to someone. Ryan met with a counsellor twice and while it wasn’t many sessions, it really helped. 

•  Encourage self-care. Men need it as well. What are some things they love doing? A self-care kick can be so beneficial.  

•  Lean on each other but don’t always go to your partner every time you need support. Have a trusted circle of friends, family, even a counsellor who can support you. 

•  Invest in some helpful resources. The IVF Dad (by Keegan Prue) is a helpful book. As Keegan says, “The IVF Dad is for anyone, whether you’re a man who wants to better understand infertility treatment; a woman who wants to help her partner be better informed and more supportive; or a couple who wants tips on how to survive infertility”.