Help! Not Another Baby Shower!

*As featured in IVF Babble

During my IVF and surrogacy journey, I dreaded baby showers. I was happy for my friends, and I wanted to celebrate with them. I really did. Afterall, a baby shower is meant to be a joyous occasion. But being surrounded by excited squeals and endless reminders of the one thing I desperately wanted, and was fighting so hard for, was excruciating. 

And it’s not just baby showers!

Gender reveal parties have become hugely popular. With many people throwing lavish parties. In Arizona in 2018, one enthusiastic Dad caused a wildfire. He shot a makeshift target that had the words ‘Boy’ and ‘Girl’ written on it. The target exploded and revealed a blue cloud. A truly magnificent Instagram moment. Except then the flames spread. The fire burned 47,000 acres and caused more than $US8 million. 

While most people aren’t so extravagant (or cause such havoc!), most do throw a party, with a gender reveal cake or balloons. And they make sure it’s plastered all over social media. So whether you’re scrolling your Instagram feed or checking Tik Tok or Facebook, you’ll definitely see it. And the tonnes of congratulations comments that go along with it. 

I know for me, during our IVF and surrogacy journey, there were many times I struggled with these celebrations. 

And if I’d recently had a cancelled or failed IVF transfer, it felt unbearable. I remember a week before one friend’s baby shower, we lost our baby. I was consumed with grief. I couldn’t go. When I spoke to my friend about our pregnancy loss, she understood. In her words, “Why on earth would you put yourself through that?!”

When I didn’t attend a baby shower or gender reveal party, I often felt guilty and selfish. Why couldn’t I put my feelings aside and be happy for them? Why did I cry before and after? Why did I often feel the sharp sting of jealously?

But from talking to other women with infertility, I knew I wasn’t alone. It’s common to get upset, and often jealous, about baby showers and gender reveals. In fact, I’m yet to meet someone doing fertility treatment who hasn’t felt upset. So if your infertility journey makes it hard for you to attend these events, you are not alone.

Here’s some things that helped me navigate these celebrations

1. Know that your feelings are valid

Infertility is hard. You’re going through something incredibly difficult, emotional, and all-consuming. It’s OK to feel jealous, angry, and upset. You can also feel happy for your friend and jealous at the same time – both feelings are valid and can co-exist. 

2. Know that it’s OK not to go

If you are not close to the person, I doubt they will miss youbeing there. They’ll have plenty of other people there to celebrate with them. And if you are close to them, as a good friend, they should understand. Above all else, you need to put your own mental health first. 

3. Talk to your friend

If you decide not to go, talk to your friend – or send a text message if you are not very close to them – about why you’re not coming. Most people will understand. Most will empathise. And you can always give them a gift beforehand or send a gift with someone else who’s going. 

4. If you decide to go, have a plan

Is there a friend attending who knows what you are going through? Stay close to them. Have them there as your support person. 

If you need to, have a good cry before and after. Let it all out. 

Plan some self-care, preferably the next day. Whether that’s getting a massage, going for a long walk, binging a TV show – do whatever helps you to heal and feel good. Drive. This way, you can leave at any time without getting stuck there.

Give yourself a job. Sometimes being trapped in the kitchen making cups of tea or passing food around can be a life saver. A job can keep you distracted and can help the time go by faster. 

Infertility is hard. It’s all consuming. It’s unfair.

If you are feeling upset or jealous about baby showers and gender reveals, know that it is OK. Your feelings are valid. Be kind to yourself and put yourself first because that’s what you need to do during such a difficult time.