Help! Not Another Baby Shower!

*As featured in IVF Babble

During my IVF and surrogacy journey, I dreaded baby showers. I was happy for my friends, and I wanted to celebrate with them. I really did. Afterall, a baby shower is meant to be a joyous occasion. But being surrounded by excited squeals and endless reminders of the one thing I desperately wanted, and was fighting so hard for, was excruciating. 

And it’s not just baby showers!

Gender reveal parties have become hugely popular. With many people throwing lavish parties. In Arizona in 2018, one enthusiastic Dad caused a wildfire. He shot a makeshift target that had the words ‘Boy’ and ‘Girl’ written on it. The target exploded and revealed a blue cloud. A truly magnificent Instagram moment. Except then the flames spread. The fire burned 47,000 acres and caused more than $US8 million. 

While most people aren’t so extravagant (or cause such havoc!), most do throw a party, with a gender reveal cake or balloons. And they make sure it’s plastered all over social media. So whether you’re scrolling your Instagram feed or checking Tik Tok or Facebook, you’ll definitely see it. And the tonnes of congratulations comments that go along with it. 

I know for me, during our IVF and surrogacy journey, there were many times I struggled with these celebrations. 

And if I’d recently had a cancelled or failed IVF transfer, it felt unbearable. I remember a week before one friend’s baby shower, we lost our baby. I was consumed with grief. I couldn’t go. When I spoke to my friend about our pregnancy loss, she understood. In her words, “Why on earth would you put yourself through that?!”

When I didn’t attend a baby shower or gender reveal party, I often felt guilty and selfish. Why couldn’t I put my feelings aside and be happy for them? Why did I cry before and after? Why did I often feel the sharp sting of jealously?

But from talking to other women with infertility, I knew I wasn’t alone. It’s common to get upset, and often jealous, about baby showers and gender reveals. In fact, I’m yet to meet someone doing fertility treatment who hasn’t felt upset. So if your infertility journey makes it hard for you to attend these events, you are not alone.

Here’s some things that helped me navigate these celebrations

1. Know that your feelings are valid

Infertility is hard. You’re going through something incredibly difficult, emotional, and all-consuming. It’s OK to feel jealous, angry, and upset. You can also feel happy for your friend and jealous at the same time – both feelings are valid and can co-exist. 

2. Know that it’s OK not to go

If you are not close to the person, I doubt they will miss youbeing there. They’ll have plenty of other people there to celebrate with them. And if you are close to them, as a good friend, they should understand. Above all else, you need to put your own mental health first. 

3. Talk to your friend

If you decide not to go, talk to your friend – or send a text message if you are not very close to them – about why you’re not coming. Most people will understand. Most will empathise. And you can always give them a gift beforehand or send a gift with someone else who’s going. 

4. If you decide to go, have a plan

Is there a friend attending who knows what you are going through? Stay close to them. Have them there as your support person. 

If you need to, have a good cry before and after. Let it all out. 

Plan some self-care, preferably the next day. Whether that’s getting a massage, going for a long walk, binging a TV show – do whatever helps you to heal and feel good. Drive. This way, you can leave at any time without getting stuck there.

Give yourself a job. Sometimes being trapped in the kitchen making cups of tea or passing food around can be a life saver. A job can keep you distracted and can help the time go by faster. 

Infertility is hard. It’s all consuming. It’s unfair.

If you are feeling upset or jealous about baby showers and gender reveals, know that it is OK. Your feelings are valid. Be kind to yourself and put yourself first because that’s what you need to do during such a difficult time.

How We Built a Meaningful Surrogacy Relationship

Our son Spencer was born through gestational international surrogacy in the USA. This was after a six-year infertility journey. Due to my thin endometrium lining, we had several failed, and cancelled, IVF transfers and three pregnancy losses.

It was our second fertility specialist in Australia who told us that surrogacy was our best chance of having a baby. And while surrogacy was an amazing and life changing experience for us, when we were first told about surrogacy, I was overwhelmed. I had never met a surrogate or anyone who had had children through surrogacy, and I didn’t know what to expect.

It was a feeling that was short-lived. When we first skyped with our beautiful surrogate Leigha, we were put at ease right away. Within minutes, it felt like a chat with an old friend. We formed an immediate bond with Leigha and her husband Josh.

1. Setting expectations. The first time we met, via Skype, we talked openly about the kind of relationship we wanted. We all agreed we wanted a friendship and long-lasting relationship. For some people though, they chose to not have a relationship after the birth. While I think it’s more common to have one, especially with USA surrogacy, it’s important to make sure you’re all on the same page before you get started. Five years on, we continue to have a special and beautiful relationship with Leigha and her family.

2. Communication. The first time we spoke, we also talked about our expectations with communication. Fortunately, Leigha is an excellent communicator and so not a single day went by, without her sending me updates through WhatsApp or Macro Polo (videos). Communication was particularly important to us given we were doing international surrogacy (it’s a long way from Australia to USA!). We also agreed to Skype all the appointments and scans. This gave us reassurance and comfort and we felt very much involved with the pregnancy.   

3. Building a bond with our son during pregnancy. Early on, Leigha had a wonderful suggestion. She asked us to record an audio of ourselves reading a children’s story. She then played it to her pregnant belly, every day, so that Spencer would be familiar with our voices while in the womb. A simple yet very meaningful idea.

4. The birth. Another important thing to discuss is the birth and everyone’s expectations. We agreed we would be in the delivery room when Spencer was born (we also had adjoining rooms at the hospital); my husband Ryan would cut the umbilical cord; and I would have skin on skin contact first, followed by Ryan and then Leigha. There are different ways to approach the birth so it’s important to all agree upfront.

5. Documenting our journey. Once Spencer was born, the night before we flew home to Australia, Leigha gave us a beautiful gift, a scrapbook of our journey together. From the IVF transfer and positive pregnancy result through to Spencer’s birth, it was all in there. It is one of my most cherished gifts and I look forward to the day when we can walk Spencer through this special book, a testament to him. We also gave Leigha a gift; a necklace with Spencer’s initials engraved.   

Without surrogacy, we wouldn’t have our beautiful son. Without surrogacy, tens of thousands of people wouldn’t have their precious children.

Diary of a Birth, mamamia podcast

I was thrilled to chat to Mamamia recently about my IVF and surrogacy journey and the birth of our son Spencer.

You can listen to the full episode here.

Reposted from Mamamia:

After years of heartache, disappointment, and countless tears, Kirsten McLennan discovered her endometrial lining was too thin to nurture a pregnancy—a devastating revelation after multiple failed IVF attempts. When specialists suggested surrogacy might be her path to parenthood, Kirsten and her husband Ryan embarked on an emotional international journey filled with both crushing setbacks and beautiful moments of hope.

In today's touching episode, Kirsten vulnerably shares her difficult path to becoming a mother—from the moment when transported embryos went missing in Canada to when they finally connected with their surrogate Leigha in Utah, they found not just a carrier for their precious baby, but a compassionate friend who opened her heart and home to help create their miracle.

Kirsten reflects on the beautiful complexity of surrogacy—the profound joy of those first skin-to-skin moments with Spencer, the deep bond formed while living with Leigha's family, and the overwhelming emotions they all shared in the delivery room.